1. |
TRUDGE
02:09
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I'm just calling to say I had such a nice time last night as I trudged through the snow for what seemed like hours. I don't blame you for not wanting to come over. It was actually pretty late and your boyfriend would have got a bit upset.
You say I'll never change, but you're wrong. I'm constantly getting worse. I need to think of better ways to curb this crushing anxiety and urge to wash my hands in multiples of three.
I'm just balling my eyes out because I think it's funny. Haven't you heard? Everything's a joke. My side is splitting from wasting all my money at the corner liquor store while outside it's still sunny. A chorus of laughter can't refrain as I drown in Mad Dog 20/20.
I don't want to live like this anymore but I can't find a better way without you. I don't want to die at twenty-four but I can't find a better way without you.
I'm just calling to say I had such a nice time last night as I trudged through the snow for what felt like hours. I don't blame you for not wanting to come over. It was actually pretty late and I should have just went home.
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2. |
THE OUTS
02:46
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I am opera. I am printed word. I'm on the outs. Take me out back. Put me down. Throw me in a pauper's grave. Wake up to a tablecloth made of gas and medical bills. Empty cans strategically placed on every inch of available space.
Took a walk around the rich part of town. I wanted to feel smaller than I already do. I no longer need to make myself bleed. It's more of a release to accept no one cares for you.
So I'll slam what I got left in this alley. No company but the rats. Being here makes me miss my friend and drinking beneath California Blue Line tracks.
It doesn't get better. It only gets worse. Suffer each bump in the ride before the hearse. No one said while you're here you'll enjoy your time. Crack a smile and crawl to the finish line. I'll crawl.
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3. |
HELLISH
02:41
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All my sins wait for me on the other side of a thin, thin veil. They wink at my misery and let me know that I won't know real pain until I'm in hell.
Leave me alone with my last straw and maybe I'll figure it out. With a bottle of pills and alcohol, maybe I'll figure it out.
Say a prayer for me. It won't do shit but it's the thought that counts, you see. Suffocate me with words I know will never help.
Leave me alone with my friend Old Nick. He'll help me figure it out. He lets me know I'll always be sick and there's only one way out.
You said it. I didn't. I already fucking regret it. But begging for forgiveness seems so selfish just to save yourself.
Leave me alone with my last straw and maybe I'll figure it out. With a dull knife and alcohol, maybe I'll figure it out.
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4. |
DEEP PURPLE
03:05
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It feels simultaneously like years ago and just yesterday. Nervously sitting with you in my car. Thinking of the right words in your parents' driveway.
It seems to me that he don't know anything about hearing you say "I love you" for the first time. Yeah, it seems to me that he don't know anything. I spend most nights thinking about what he don't know.
All the death and despair we unfortunately shared in Lansing, IL. We layer close in the basement on a single cot. Inbetween sobs we swore we'd never leave each other behind.
It seems to me that he don't know anything about holding onto you for dear life. Yeah, it seems to me that he don't know anything. I spend most nights thinking about what he don't know.
I want to be in your thoughts. You mind is as beautiful as Chicago, as vast as New York, and dirty as L.A.. When I see you at a show, you see the devil in me but I have visions of angels reciting poems as they play.
"Many have loved your beauty with love false or true, but one man loved the pilgrim soul in you."
But It seems to me that he don't know anything about breaking your heart beyond all repair. Yeah, it seems to me that he don't know anything. I spend most nights thinking about what he don't know.
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5. |
ARACHNOPHOBIA
03:24
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I watched a spider crawl on my wall for about two hours. Champagne blossomed my face. I flowered. Into something neither sweet nor sour. Just uninspired and tasteless. Your face formed in blotches of light. I didn't blink. Scared I'd lose the sight. "Take your life", said the angel on my right, "that's direct from Jesus Christ."
There was an audible laugh.
My epitaph: Here lies a selfish brother. A terrible son to a beautiful mother. An idiot who abandoned his lover for the bottle and some fun.
I guess I never learned to play nice. I guess I can't play nice. No, I can't play nice at all.
The awful things I do on Drake Ave. aren't without consequence. The jury's out but in my defense, pain and misery just suit me best. I like the fall and the cut. So I'll sing these words in the direction you left. One hundred yards into the desolation. This ain't no love song but I still sign it "To you, with love."
There was an audible laugh.
If this hell, then why am I so cold? I'm a snowflake melting in a pile of slush. Unique in the way I can't stand to be touched. If this is hell, then why am I fucking freezing? There's voices in these walls but none of them seem to say the things that I need to hear:
"I know how it feels to be that alone and wait by the phone for a call that ain't ever gonna come. Yeah, I know how it feels to be you at night and pray by moonlight to a God you've scorned since you were young."
They just mock me.
True love will never again grace these eyes. I'm tired of living. I'm tired of the lies about the butterflies. The kind that eat out your insides. I hope you know.
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ANGEL LUST Chicago, Illinois
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